


Sounds

by GabOnAShore



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Age Difference, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Domestic Violence, Drinking to Cope, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 15:39:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15688398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GabOnAShore/pseuds/GabOnAShore
Summary: In a CBI free world, Ellie is a singer in her early twenties and Joel a frustrated one in his forties.





	1. Chasing Rain

**Author's Note:**

> Alright people, let me rant little first
> 
> I would like to thank Kyrstin for betaing this fic, I don't even know how to properly express my gratitude because there is this whole new feeling of "wow this amazing person is actually putting her time and effort into something I've written, holy shit"
> 
> I would also like to thank Cat for helping me out with the Ao3 account and for being so supportive and understanding. This is my very first fanfic and I probably wouldn't have plublished it if it weren't for her great advices
> 
> Both of them are great writers and I admire their writting a lot. Like. A lot. (If you listen closely there might be a few fangirl screams misteriously coming out of this page)
> 
> Btw english isn't my first language so take it easy on me

So it seems like all the tears he didn't shed when she left them decided to knock upon his window. All those tears claiming the body of this relentless rain, every drop a twisting knife to his heart. The table top was covered in spilled bourbon, a small price to pay for the reckless way he had spent the night. A few shards of glass were scattered around on the floor. It took him sometime to remember their source, since the chosen poison of the night had been bourbon, but the girl's words flashed through his mind, gently reminding him of how much of a dick he could be. Those shards once had been four beer bottles; now, their content was resting inside the thirty year old lying atop of him, maybe just as peacefully as she was.

He had filled half of her - Maya’s, not this woman’s - favourite tumbler, given to Maya by her father, with a twelve year old whiskey, on the day they moved in together, and offered it to her replacement.

“You will need it more than all that fancy kitchen stuff your mother gave you, sweetheart.” Joel could still remember the mirth that coloured his voice, and would certainly never forget those piercing blue eyes glued to his own. Oh, he wanted to punch that old fucker so bad. That whole sentence and all the following patronizing advice might as well have been an “I will torment your sorry excuse of a Texan ass until the end of time for knocking up my sixteen year old daughter." His former father in law turned out to be a motherfucker, but one classy motherfucker with a great taste for expensive scotch.

Anyway, it didn't work out. The girl's polite refusal of the offered glass was the big flaw in his plan. His drunken head told him that maybe if she drank the bourbon that filled Maya's glass, she might be able to fill Maya's shoes. 

“I'll stick to the beer, if you don't mind,” she had purred in his ear, hugging him from behind and running her hands up his torso, eventually sliping one under his shirt while the other cupped the bulge of his jeans. He minded. A lot. She wasn’t Maya but he could still use her like she was. And he did. God it had been a long time. He only indulged these meaningless affairs once a year, always by the end of November, and his actual dates or relationships never lasted more than two months. She had died in August, but he couldn't bear remembering it, so he would just pick a random month and live through it as recklessly as he could, given working hours and such, going down a hedonistic path of self-destruction.

He had done it before, countless times, and did it again last night. Fucked her slow and tender, as if his movements mimicked the whole bureaucratic ordeal of greeting a stranger, then hard and fast, indulging whatever kink she had, since his only desire couldn't be fulfilled. He would whisper sweet nothings while rubbing his face against her neck. He would kiss every goddamn lip she had, gladly. He knew he was better than the average lover, and took some pride in knowing he wouldn't be easily forgotten. But he couldn't make himself look at her face. He would simply focus on the sight of his cock disappearing inside her, the wet noises, her fingernails sinking into his couch or his skin, the loud crack of a descending hand upon her ass. Or upon his own ass. That was his M.O. Whatever trick at hand would do just fine; he just couldn't risk closing his eyes and end up moaning Maya's name. 

The feel of her even breaths against his skin was repulsing. She reeked of sex and so did he. Christ, she left a pool of drool on his chest. Everything felt wrong. He couldn't just push her off of the couch and bid her farewell. The least he could do for her was a decent sleep and something to eat. His clothes were all over the living room. Her panties were on top of his guitar's headstock. Thank God Sarah didn’t live there anymore to witness his disgrace. He could feel a furious headache threatening to burst free at any moment. His stomach was churning and he didn't know if it was due to the copious amount of alcohol or the weight of his conscience, heavier than all the thundering clouds blasting up in the sky together.

He studied the faint light that bathed the room, trying to guess what time it was, figuring it was probably around 8 a.m. 'Please wake up and leave. I don't want to deal with this right now'. He knew he had to be cleaning up this mess, there was a very good reason for that but it just kept escaping from his memory's grasp. Closing his eyes, he prayed to whatever kind entity available for this to be just a cosmic misunderstanding, after which he would just wake up to a neatly cleaned house and with a total of zero drooling women on his chest. He promptly fell back asleep.

He woke to the drooling woman's mouth on his cock. 'Oh hell no, not this. I gotta put an end to it right now'.

“Good morning beautiful." His voice trembled slightly at the end, partly due to her ministrations but mostly out of embarrassment. “I...huh...” How was he supposed to tell her to let go of his dick and leave without sounding like too much of an ass? “You are doing a real good job down there.” She lifted her eyes to meet his, looking amused. He let out a low moan when she raked her fingernails down his inner thigh. “But I'm a bit on the clock today, so let me fix you something to eat, how does that sou-"

The rumble of an engine startled both of them. The girl slid his member out of her mouth not nearly as gently as he would've liked, standing up quickly to gather up her clothes. He couldn't quite wrap himself around what was going on, barely managing to get back on his feet. His head spun, a hangover greeting him with dizziness. He attempted to take a few groggy steps towards his discarded clothes, only to stumble upon one of the glass shards, eliciting a sharp pain that crossed his body from head to toe. The steady drum of his heartbeat thundering in his ears mixed with the cry of pain he didn't remember voicing.

The lock on his door clicked once, twice, and as soon as it opened his baby brother's voice assaulted his ears, soon to be followed by his twenty-five year old daughter’s outraged one, and a few curses sputtered by a tomboyish redhead in her early twenties. 

“Joel, what the fuck?!"

“Oh my god Dad!"

“Holy fucking shit Sarah, is that your dad?”

It never ceased to amaze him how much the universe had it in for him.

 

***

After greeting the newcomers with his stark naked butt - oh boy if only it had been just my butt - Joel limped through the living room, reaching for his underwear and jeans, as an awkward silence crushed every living soul at its disposal, turning the chaotic sounds of thundering clouds into nothing but comforting whispers. The woman, now fully dressed, quickly introduced herself, unaware of how much of a favour she had just done by reminding him of her name, shielding him from the possibility of calling her by the wrong one. With a chaste kiss on his lips, Rose said her goodbyes and handed him his shirt, closing the door behind her.

Sitting on the couch to spare his foot, Joel buttoned up his shirt as fast as his nimble fingers allowed, putting one leg over the filthy table top afterwards, to check on the glass stuck in his flesh. Sarah sat beside him, concern flooding her face as she stared at his wound.  
“Tommy, go fetch the first aid kit,” he said harshly. “It's in the top drawer of the kitchen counter."

“Why do you keep a first aid kit in the kitchen?” asked the redhead standing across from him, whose cheeks had acquired an outstanding blush after the glare sent in her direction by Joel. 'So it seemed Sarah’s had a curious one this time'.  
“Sorry to interrupt your… party, dad." Her sheepish voice was all he needed to cool down and get a hold of the crippling embarrassment with grains of anger running through his blood.

“It's okay, baby girl” he said, with no little amount of guilt in his voice, “but next time you think of coming over to surprise me, please give your old man some warning." Her head came to rest upon his shoulder and his arm wrapped around her narrow ones. “I promise I’ll be surprised and we can spare your new girlfriend of the horror show she got today." 

“But I did warn you" she said, her voice underlined with fake annoyance. “I told you I would be here by Sunday, and you kept complaining about my goddamn car.” She sat up straight, making an exaggerated frown: “I don' want you drivin’ that junk all the way from California by yourself.”

“Hey now, girlie, do not insult my Texan drawl like that. And you said Sunday, today is Saturday, miss."

“Oh dad, I'm so sorry.” She gently placed a hand on his cheek; her pitiful face almost had him fooled. “I didn't know you were already too old to keep track of days.” Sarah pulled her phone out of her pocket, proving him wrong once and for all. “It is Sunday, my beloved fossil. Not my fault you are a Jurassic party animal that doesn't even know what day is today.” 

Joel usually let those remarks about his age pass by, given that most of them were actually funny. Despite the morning events, he was way too happy about Sarah's return to resist the idea of teasing her back, playfully pushing her out of the couch and making it rain cushions over her beautiful blond head. “Well, squirt, the one good thing about being an old fart is that everyday I get a little bit closer to haunting your tiny butt. I'll make my ghost nest inside your Ipod and those crappy Bon Jovi songs you hate so much will start blasting through your headphones mysteriously in the dead of every night."

“I swear to God, if you put on Living On A Prayer at 3 a.m I will exorcise you myself. You better prepare your terrified fossil ghost screech”. She got up, fetching the tossed cushions, putting them back on their place, throwing the last one square at his face. Shit, that one is slightly wet, Joel thought. God please let it be drool. “Oh, and by the way" she made a come here sign to the redhead, who had been awkwardly standing up, without a clue of what to do with her hands the whole time. 

“My new girlfriend over there is not my girlfriend at all and her name is Ellie. She's that new singer I told you about. I'm producing her first album. We thought that a few songs could use a baritone voice as a counterpoint to her own soprano vocals. A second guitar would come in handy as well.” 

Oh no.

Her eyes carried a look he knew way too well. The same look she had at the time she asked him to buy that PS3. The same look her mother had when she asked him not to sing that song. A mix of guilt and expectant need, the child asking for a new toy and the nurse with a huge needle about to pierce someone's arm. 

All the playfulness from before vanished from his face, leaving only hard lines and an unfazed look. He stared at nothing. His heart shrank and the memories of that awful night invaded his mind, ignoring all the barriers he had built so carefully, ignoring the past ten years of alcohol and sex abuse. It was not my fault, it was Nathan's doing and nothing more. A shiver crossed his body and his eyes stumbled upon hidden tears. It took all of his self control to hold them back.

“Where is Tommy, my foot hurts." His voice was just as dry as his throat, faint yet heavy with something that escaped his ability to turn into words.

“Dad-" 

“Please, not right now" he said, turning his eyes to hers, hoping they would be enough for her to understand. “We will talk about it later, honey, I promise, but now it’s just too much." He absentmindedly sat up straight, his foot falling from the table, hitting the floor. Joel screamed in pain while blood flowed harder from his wound. “Sarah, go find your uncle and the first aid kit,” he groaned loudly.

“I can help with that," said the other young woman, a bit hesitantly. Ellie, her name is Ellie, don't embarrass yourself any further you dumbass.

“What did you say?” he groaned

“I can help you, I can tend to your foot," she answered, crouching beside the coffee table in order to get a closer look at his wound. “It will probably need stitches, but only a few, three tops. I can totally handle it." 

“Are you sure? Where did you learn to stitch people up? You don't even look old enough to drink. No offense kid”.

“My mom used to be a nurse. She taught me the basics for emergencies and stuff. I totally got this, don't worry.” She explained with a certain amount of muffled anger that stirred the already crushing embarrassment Joel was feeling “And for the record, I'm twenty-two."

“Alright then," he sighed in defeat. While she studied his bleeding foot, the weight of his previous actions started to take its toll upon his conscience. His eyes finally roamed to Ellie’s face, taking in her figure. Piercing green eyes. Freckles, lots of them. A cute small nose and plump rosy lips. A frown that painted a little line between her eyebrows. Her presence was unsettling, but not unpleasant. He couldn't tell why. She looked like loud silence. 

He felt the need to apologize for the terrible welcome. This girl was actually worried about his well-being, even after the unbelievable situation she had to witness. Her first impression of him was his very worst and still, she didn’t look disgusted. He didn’t seem to be able to avert his eyes from her face, nor tell why he couldn’t do so. Silence swallowed them both, his heartbeat drumming inside his ears. An unknown warmth filled his veins. The air was so heavy and full that he wouldn't be surprised if it turned to stone. Time slowed down, and yet the ticking of the clock on the wall was deafening. She seemed to be drawing the whole atmosphere to herself without moving a muscle.  
Their eyes met, and a lightning bolt of whatever that feeling was struck Joel's spine. Ellie blushed, and something told Joel he was blushing too. 'I'm a goddamn 41 year old man. Why am I blushing?'

“Here" Sarah said, handing him the first aid kit, completely unaware of the weird mojo in the room. “Uncle Tommy is on the phone.”

Joel took it and placed the kit beside his foot “ It's Ellie, right?” he asked in an attempt at sounding casual, despite already knowing the answer. She nodded in agreement. “Alright then, Ellie, do your thing." 

***

Her hands were efficient yet caring. Within no more than a few minutes, she cleaned the wound, made sure there were no remaining shards inside it and stitched him up. She did know what she was doing after all. 

“Thank you,” he said, once again trusting his eyes to tell what his words couldn't. “I'm sorry for… you know... this mess and...” he couldn’t finish, embarrassment once again written all over his face.

“Don't worry, I get it. It's your house man. You got nothing to apologize for, shit happens” she said, quickly interrupting him, mercifully sparing both of them the trouble of going through what happened earlier.

“I mean it, though. I do appreciate your help and your understanding.” He tried his best to express his gratitude. Joel got up slowly, resting his weight on his good foot and limped his way to the stairs. “Girls, I’m gonna take a shower real quick. Sarah, get her something to eat, then we can discuss whatever you want.”

“Okay Dad, we’ve just had lunch though. But I’ll still fix you something to eat, don't worry,” Sarah said, slightly worried with the exhausted look on her father's face.  
“Lunch? Hell, what time is it?” Joel asked. Dammit, I must have slept a lot more than I thought.

“It's 2 p.m dad. Go clean up, take your time. I will take care of this mess and cook you something."

***

His senses caught up to him, as he found many more sore spots on his body. He took off his shirt, only to meet the path his heavy conscience would trace. 'Shit, that woman wrote the goddamn bible on my back'. Every scratch and every love bite made him sick. The idea of carrying the marks of his waste of a life on his body was terrifying, but nothing else could be done. Time would heal it. 

That was exactly what Tommy and all his friends told him twenty-three years ago when she left him for that piece of shit, leaving him alone and clueless with a two year old crying for her mother. That was what he told Sarah, the junior version of it at least. "Don't worry baby girl, she will come visit us every weekend". She had managed to come at least once a month, but never without her beloved husband. If she managed to come on her own, Nathan would greet her with a beating. Sometimes she’d come sporting a black eye. Joel had talked to her about it, several times, only to be told to “Knock it off. He has just a bad temper that's all”. His blood still boiled at the memory, but it hadn't been his choice to make. He didn't own her and never claimed to. She was of her own possession and no one else’s. He had told her that so many times, why she wouldn't listen? Just like he didn't listen when she asked him not to sing that goddamn song. "Not in front of him, he won't like it, please". On that night, Nathan had been holding her arm so hard that her face had been twisted in pain. Joel could still remember the feel of that pompous ugly nose breaking beneath his fists. A few teeth might have gotten in the way, too. He could also remember the despair in her voice when she called him afterwards. "He is going to kill me. I called the cops, but he is going to kill me".  
Joel didn't make it in time. 

The shower floor was watery and cold against his bottom as he fell to the ground, and so was the wall against his back. "I shouldn't have played it". His tears were dancing with the falling water to the sound of his sobs. His head was resting on his knees. The shower was raining on him just like the clouds were raining on his roof.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank Kyrstin once again for all the help and support!!!! Best beta in the world ladies and gentlemen!
> 
> Just so you know, I tried to put ellie's thoughts in italic but it didn't work out. Her thoughts are marked by ' '

Ellie always thought she was better off alone, even though loneliness struck her as a terrifying monster that would sneak up on you once you got older. But the idea of being lonely made her feel brave, and if she was brave, she was worth something. It made her feel special. 'If I'm worth something, then maybe I'm just like this very cool hidden waterfall that everyone is missing out on, everyone but myself’. This line of thought was more common than she would like to admit. 

The words in the book resting in her hands didn't feel like being read today. A mighty broody mood had struck them, cloudy pages to match the cloudy sky. She tried to make them talk, but that was no easy task, not today. The pictures were nice enough, a few drawings of a cool blue dragon here and there, some swords, shields and the typical old bearded wizard every medieval fantasy novel must have.

'But his was not the beard that haunted my mind' she thought. 'I probably should stop talking like the mystic elf from the book.'

It had been an hour or so since she left the others talking in the living room and made her way to the porch. The rain was still pouring but not so violently; the wind had been silent for a good while now. Nothing could be heard from inside the house, no loud voices, no steps or anything else. Only the faint rain drops made themselves heard. 

Ellie couldn't say she was surprised. Sarah always uses her soothing voice when convincing someone of something, and her father seemed to be a very private man, in spite of everything. She could see he was nowhere near happy, and wouldn't waste his precious energy yelling. Although, Ellie did think that pacing around nervously was more his thing, but that wasn’t something she’d learn anytime soon, given his injured foot. 

No voices, no pacing around, nothing. Her future as a musician was being discussed without a sound reaching her ears. 'Oh, the irony'. Shivering at the faint feeling of a bug on her forearm, Ellie raised her hand slowly, greeting with a smile the red lady bug crawling on her skin. 'Wow, I haven't seen one of these in a while'. She stared at its red wings. 'They are not quite wings though, are they? The whole thing is protective shell or something'. The lady bug kept on crawling towards her elbow, like a moving pimple. She let herself picture the image of the rain falling upon the tiny insect, washing out the bright color, leaving red stains all over her arm. 

Just like the scratches on his back.

Guilt hit her instantly, a horse kick to the face. 'Joel is Sarah's dad, you dumb fuck. Stop it'. She averted her eyes to the puddles in front of her feet, wavering in the falling rain. The small undulations reminded her of the way his muscles distended and contracted under his bare skin. Ellie had her ass kicked by guilt once again.

Truth be told, she had enjoyed the sight, besides keeping her eyes on the respectful body parts, which were quite the show already, given that there was just so much of him to look at. She tried not to let the attraction both her. 'Thinking someone is good looking does not mean you want to marry them and have tons of babies,’ she thought.

She needed him professionally, though. There was absolutely no way she could afford another musician. Her mother had given her every penny she managed to spare throughout those nasty years, and she needed to live up to that effort. There was no other option, no way out. Every single day that Anna Williams had secretly given up her meds to be able to save enough money for her daughter would have to pay off. Every strand of her hair that had fallen on the floor, every cry of pain for the broken arm, when the fucking cancer got to her bones.

Music didn't feel like her purpose in life anymore. Guilt and duty had washed away all the magic. Her biggest passion had become her biggest burden, but this burden was all that was left of her mother. 

The rain stopped, only the wet smell of it remaining. The grass glistened beautifully, bathed by the still-shy rays of sunshine rising from behind the clouds. Everything went silent for a moment, until the sounds of limping steps made themselves heard.

'Okay, here we go. Be cool' Ellie told herself.

The back door opened and Joel came out, clumsily holding Sarah’s shoulder for support. He ran a hand over his face, and if possible, Ellie thought he looked even tireder than before. He sat on the rocking chair, eyes glued to the floor.

“I can't do it,” was all he said.

The bluntness of his tone almost made her choke. She was angry. Very. Fucking. Angry. Her legs moved on their own towards him, slowly but still in a threatening manner. 'It's not his fault', she thought, but it didn't make much of a difference. She had put everything in this. Her mother had given her life for it. She needed to get shit done.

“What!?” Her voice was slightly higher than normal, but her main concern was her trembling hands. Her eyes travelled from the man in plaid in to his daughter, wearing a T-shirt printed with a badass-looking cat. She found no solace in Sarah’s face, which looked just as tired as her dad's. Sarah's eyes said disappointed, but not surprised, with a silent apology to top it off.

One of those prying random thoughts that always showed up at the worst moments ever crossed Ellie's mind. She felt like the cat on Sarah's shirt was looking into every corner of her head, seeing things she didn't want to remember, invading the memories of her time with Riley, of her grandmother's house, of pretty much everything she had kept safe and neat for so long. She was losing her grip, again. It had been her ruin last time, the reason why she ended up living in a car twice her age, living off the money people would throw in her guitar case. 'Fucking cat'.

“I'm sorry, but I won't sing. I can play guitar, though, if you need it." Joel's voice brought her back from her reverie. His eyes rose to meet hers. “And you can stay here with us. Sarah told me that you’re sleeping in your car to spare some cash. She probably won't be home most of the time, but if you are not comfortable with stayin’ here with just me, I can stay at Tommy's.” 

A long pause followed his words. His eyes were expectant. She could tell he was doing his best. His offer was genuine - everything about this man seemed to be brutally honest - and Joel was doing everything he could. But there were boundaries. The very idea of crossing this boundaries, even if just a bit, seemed to disturb him deeply. 

Sarah had warned her that he probably wouldn't be up for singing. She mentioned briefly that he used to sing at bars and small local concerts, until something happened and he just couldn't sing anymore. But finding someone else now wasn't an option; Ellie would take what she could get. After all, she had made it on her own so far. This guy wouldn't play a huge part. There was no reason to get her panties on a twist so soon.

“Okay then, I will take up on that,” she said, embarrassed by her previous attitude, shoving her hand deep in her pockets. “There’s no need to move anywhere. I will be more than fine, thank you.”

“Alright. You can show me those songs of yours tonight, and we’ll see how everything plays out.” A small smile colored his face, which was freshened up by relief. She suddenly realized that his brown plaid shirt matched the hazel of his eyes. Dammit Ellie, don't be so corny.

“Joel," Tommy said, coming out of the same door his brother had before. “Some shit happened with the fence we got fixed for that old lady last week. I'm gonna go check on it. You stay here with girls."

“You sure you don't need any help?” asked Joel.

“Nah, I'm good. Don't worry, it's probably not a big deal,” Tommy replied.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything. Girls, let's head back inside,” Joel said, standing up slowly. He turned to Sarah. “We gotta clean up your bedroom for Ellie. It's been out of use for too long. Let's get her stuff inside."

***

Ellie could feel the chilly night breeze caressing the half of her hair that was not held up in her ponytail. They had ordered food, Joel's treat. There was a nice hot meal in her belly, which was more than she could say for the past month.

Joel stared at her from across the coffee table. So did Sarah, beside her, but his stare was one of a kind. You either had his whole attention or none. 'This man doesn't half ass anything'.

His broad shoulders were relaxed, a bottle of beer safe and sound in his grasp. He sat across from her, waiting, and for a brief moment Ellie thought time waited, too. It seemed to get heavier every time she was brave enough to look him in the eye. 

The guitar rested on her lap. Her fingers were stiff. Her whole body was stiff, and secretly melting under his stare. She had to do this. She had to succeed. 

A million years passed while she showed him the chords. A million more came and went when she straightened up and checked the tuning.

Her hands started to pick away the strings on their own. 'Now just open your fucking mouth and sing', her inner voice yelled at her, but she kept the emotional tsunami hidden neatly.

And so she sang.

Her voice trembled at first, but she got a hold of it quickly. She didn’t think about the lyrics, not now. They just made their way out of her mouth, dressed up in notes, and that was it. She only noticed her eyes were closed when the sound of a faint guitar came in. The low notes followed her voice, and the higher ones embraced her melody, making it warmer. The sound of fingers sliding on steel was intoxicating. She knew whose fingers they were. It spurred her on. 

Her voice had never been truer than it was now. Her notes danced with his, everything sounding like a morning breeze and a hot bath at the same time. She wondered if his fingers were as warm as his notes. 'Would they travel that easily over my skin?' It was not time for that sort of thought, but Ellie decided to embrace it. 

She let the moment carry her even further down that trail. He plucked the low strings slightly heavier than the others, making a delicious, hypnotizing rhythm. If she didn't know any better, Ellie would have believed that it matched the rhythm of her own breathing.

Ellie opened her eyes. His eyes were closed. Sarah looked astonished. The song ended, her voice faded, the guitar notes continuing to float among them. He sat still for a few moments, his jaw locked. Then he silenced his guitar, placing a hand smoothly on the top of the strings. Joel opened his eyes and glued them to Ellie’s face, sending shivers down her spine. 

'Watch out captain, the TitanEllie is heading straight for the unrequited-crush iceberg.'

Ellie knew from the look in his eyes that he was feeling exactly what she was. She also knew that neither of them would say a word about it.

Joel cleared his throat and turned to Sarah.

“She is good.”

“Good?” Sarah sputtered. “Is that it? Were you even listening at all? That was some serious transcendental shit.” She paused the recorder on her phone. “I recorded the whole thing, so we can sort things out better tomorrow. What do you have to say for yourself, girl?”

Ellie was brimming with nervous energy. She was trying very hard to keep her face in check, only to become a smiling, red tomato within seconds. Joel flashed her a smile of his own. 'Wow, it looks like all that singing actually managed to pull that stick out of his ass, she thought.'

“It was sooo awesome! Man, you sure know how to play that thing. I loved it.”

“Thank you." The smile was still there despite his tired voice. 

'His facial muscles are actually capable of smiling for long periods of time. This man is full of surprises' Ellie thought.

***

They tested the waters with the rest of the songs that evening. The outcome wasn’t as good as the first time, though. Ellie forgot the lyrics a few times, got blindsided by bridges and simple riff changes, slipped out of tune more than once. Her lack of focus was getting in the way. She chalked it up to exhaustion, which wasn't that far from the truth. She couldn't remember the last time she got a decent night sleep or a good shower. But the real causes were two people, one six feet tall, with a glorious beard, the other one dead but never out of her mind.

'The fuck is going on??' Ellie questioned herself. 'I barely know this guy. I'm not even into old dudes, for Christ’s sake. Get your shit together, Ellie Williams. You are not here to fuck around.’

“I think we should call it a night," she exhales in frustration, in desperate need of punching herself for losing focus so easily. “I promise I'll do better next time.” 

“Hey, you were great. Don't be so hard on yourself," Sarah said, smiling warmly at her.

“She is right, your voice is beautiful," Joel added.

“Thank you guys." Ellie’s smile was peppered with sadness.

“Relax Ellie. You should take a hot bath and just chill,” Sarah said. “Use my dad's bathroom. The water is warmer in there."

'I bet it is' Ellie thought, then mentally kicked herself for it. 'Stop it, or you are going to lose the last person you've got.'

She was more than grateful for having Sarah in her life. Their bond was way more than business. Sarah gave her a chance to be the best version of herself. Once she became aware of her living conditions, she invited Ellie to live in her own house, kept her fed and healthy, worked her ass off to help her get a decent gear and decent gigs.She chased her when she stormed out of the hotel room they had been sharing during that fucking festival. Found her passed out on the streets after a fight that cost her all her gear. And now she was giving her a second chance. Ellie had to make it right this time. There wouldn't be a third one.

“Oh, I don't want to be-" Ellie started.

“Girl, I mean it,” Sarah interrupted. “Take a shower. You stink. I'm afraid we’ll wake up with a bunch of dead birds in our backyard if you don't clean up right away."

“Oh come on, it's not that bad, is it?” Ellie said, making a show out of sniffing her armpit. “Shit, it is. I will put my dirty socks in your pillowcase just for calling me out on my dubious hygiene in front of your dad."

“You wouldn't," Sarah exclaimed with fake exasperation, throwing her head back.

“Try me, girl."

***

Post-shower, Ellie rolled around sleepless in bed for two hours. Today had been great. She had felt a serious connection with Joel’s music, but the mistakes she had made would not let her mind rest. 

'What if I don’t make it? I can't afford to make silly mistakes. I wanna be a pro, I gotta act like a pro. Pros don't go crushing on their producer’s dad. Or, if they do, I bet they don't let it get in the way. Pros don't let dead people get in their way, either. Pros are fucking pros, so be a fucking pro'

She sighed in defeat. God knew that she was doing her absolute best, that every fucking piece of her was making a tremendous effort. But if her best wasn’t good enough, then none of it mattered.

It was the first time in months that she got an actual bed to spend the night in, since most of them were spent on the backseat of her car. If her back had eyes, they would be crying tears of joy right now. But even so, her head refused to shut up and let her get some rest.

Giving up all hope on sleeping, Ellie decided to get a glass of water, leaving Sarah alone beneath the blankets. It was nice to have on clean clothes, a long, comfy T-shirt and a pair of socks to warm her feet and mufle her steps. 

After making her way to the kitchen, Ellie felt a chilly breeze, and went to check the windows, in case they had forgotten to close one. When she made it to the back door, the familiar smell of cigarettes assaulted her nostrils.

“Please don't tell Sarah.”

Joel was sitting on the same rocking chair from earlier, wearing an old pair of black sweatpants and a grey sleeveless shirt.

“I won't if you let me take a drag," she said, smiling impishly.

“Suit yourself," he said, passing the cigarette over to her.

“How often do you smoke?” she asked, trying to make conversation.

“Only when I have too much in my mind,” he answered, letting the smoke out through his nose slowly. “You?”

“Not as often as I need to."

“You know it's bad for you, right?” he replied, the fatherly tone clear on his voice.

“Can't say I care," she replied, leaning against the door frame.

“You have a beautiful voice. You should take care of it," he said. He pointed at a chair. “Sit down. I assume you won't be sleeping anytime soon?”

“Yeah."

“You look like shit. What happened?” he asked. “I mean, you are pretty, but you look sad, too. Don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."

'He said I'm pretty'. The butterflies in her stomach decided to throw a party.

“Dude, I am not sad. I am the pun queen. There is no sadness in my pun kingdom. If you want, I can put you on the phone with my prime minister, Sir Will Livingstone, the pun master." She playfully punched his arm, aware that she was babbling. “I’m just tired. You don't need to worry about me."

“Wait, if it's a kingdom, how do you have a prime minister?” he asked, a smart ass grin painted all over his face.

“I don't know man, ask the English” she answered, getting a good laugh out of him.

She couldn't help but notice how big his arms were, imagining how it would feel to have them wrapped around her. 'Just an innocent hug. He looks like the best hugger'.

“I don't think so, but I guess my hugs are pretty good."

“What?” she asked, her eyes going wide in fear and shame “Oh shit, did I say it out loud?”

“Yeah" he answered, laughing slightly. “No need to blush, kid.”

“Can I try it? I mean, one of your hugs. You know, for science.” Her inner voice revolted. 'What the fuck are you thinking? What's next? Are you going to straddle him?'

“Sure. But you gotta get rid of that shit first, for the sake of both of us,” he said, pointing at the cigarette. 

“Okay," she answered, putting out the cigarette. Her face had reached the deepest shades of red known to man.

Joel stood up and so did she. They stood awkwardly close, facing each other. Ellie’s blood was ringing in her ears. She knew that he knew she was staring at his face, but she didn't even care anymore. There were a few wrinkles around his eyes, but the good kind, the smiling kind. His eyes were sweet. 

'I bet he just sees me as a needy kid' Ellie thought before he hugged her. She didn't know whether to be sad or glad about that thought.

And then he pulled her close and crushed her in an embrace. Her head rested just above his heart, her ears enjoying its steady rhythm. Her body warmed in all the right places, his whole body inviting against hers, and for a second everything felt peaceful. He rested his chin on the top of her head and she caressed his back slowly, not completely aware of her own movements even though her sensations heightened in a delicious way.

“Swear to me that you won't go destroying yourself, yeah?” Joel said, his voice just a whisper. “I can tell it's not just the cigarettes.”

“I swear." 

Ellie closed her eyes and inhaled his smell, enjoying the most intimate embrace she'd ever had.

“Okay.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello people, I'm back. Sorry for taking so long, life has been a real mess lately, but I'm not giving up on the fic. 
> 
> As always, a big round of applause for Kyrstin!!! The best beta in the world, hands down
> 
> Enjoy and feel free to leave feedback.

“Maya is an odd name," he mumbled, his attention torn between the soft sheets against his naked back and the exhaustion seeping into his bones and slowly burning his limbs ‘Spending a whole day carrying heavy shit around can be tiring. Who knew?’ His first day of work had been awful at best, and the idea of building places he would never be able to afford pissed him off. 

“I think it's got something to do with a Hindu goddess? My mom used to be crazy about India,’ she answered, not taking her eyes off the book resting in her hands. Joel turned on his side, admiring her lean, crossed legs and the oversized t-shirt big enough to look like a dress. She had been studying like crazy for months already; the dark circles framing her eyes said as much. Yeah, Sarah sure was a handful, but he knew she wasn't what kept Maya awake at night. 

‘She wants her sparkling future back, the one that I ruined with my dick’

He placed a chaste kiss to her left thigh resting by his head, which earned him a tiny hand dancing through his messy hair, massaging his scalp. He looked up to admire the cascade of gold hair tangled up on her head. It looked like she hadn't brushed it for a few days, but the reckless look was appealing to him in a different way. She's always been wild. I like it when it shows. He wondered what the fuck was going on under that beautiful hair.

He knew it all along, though.

‘She will leave me. She needs more. She deserves more. I will take what I can get’

“We've been together for 2 years and it only occurred to you right now what my name is?” she asked, closing her book and resting it on the side table. He could practically hear the smirk on her face. Being eighteen, with a kid, living in an old RV and working on shitty exhausting jobs didn't leave much time to think about names. Joel chose to keep that thought to himself. Life was hard enough to bring this sort of shit into the only peaceful moments he had. At least they managed to finish high school.

“You talk like we’re a couple of old people that spent fifty years together arguing about the curtains and not two little shits that broke a condom and had a beautiful little girl," he said playfully, lying on his back. He closed his eyes, waiting to be dragged by sleep, only to open them again a few moments later, startled by the woman straddling his hips.

“Well, that little girl is asleep right now," she whispered in his ear, leaning down and rubbing herself against him slowly in a dance he knew too well but not nearly well enough. His breath got stuck in the back of his throat and his blood got stuck somewhere else when she deliberately bit his neck hard enough to leave a bruise, licking it afterwards. He placed his hands on her hips, his fingers digging into her skin.

“That's for calling me old," she said, straightening up and placing her hands on his stomach for support. 

“I wanna get old," he moaned, his left hand making its way underneath her t-shirt, his fingers sliding up her stomach slowly, circling her aureola then cupping one of her breasts and pinching a nipple, making her sigh and press down harder onto him. He thrust his hips up, his mind hazy, his body warm and his need pulsing furiously, a loud grunt escaping the confines of his throat as she kissed him, hard and deep. “I wanna get old with you," he said, breathless against her lips, his hand leaving her breast and sliding towards her rear, moving her hips against himself.

“I'm not gonna get old, dummy. I'll be one of those women that only seem to get younger,” she replied, arching her back as he pulled her shirt off and caressed the side of her breasts, his thumbs flirting with her nipples every now and then.

“I can already picture you,” she continued, “an old, filthy rich singer with a gorgeous wife that doesn't seem to age at all.” She giggled, offering a breast for him to suck, which he did in earnest. 

‘We both know that ain't gonna happen, sweetheart’

Something stung inside him. She always dodged his plans for the future like they were deadly bullets capable of crippling her for life. ‘Well, maybe they were’. His mother had told him he was young and stupid and shouldn't leave his family to live a life he couldn't handle on his own. But Maya wanted to be free from her father, and for that he couldn't blame her. He had left everything, put his dreams aside to give her a roof and raise his little girl while she studied, trying to get a scholarship in whatever law school she wanted, and yet she dodged his love every single time.

She wanted to work and he had told her to focus on school. ‘You are the smart one, you go first.’ But she insisted on talking to her father about his music. ‘He might hate you but he doesn't hate me, he can be your manager or producer, whatever you people call it, he used to work with some famous people’ Joel agreed, the old man managed to get him quite a few gigs and put in him way too much expectation for him to feel comfortable.

But all of this would be over soon. He knew she wouldn't be able to take care of a child and keep up with law school. Maya didn't split her focus; it was always all or nothing. Sarah would end up in his custody, and for that he was grateful. There was no way he could stand only being able to see her once a week. Joel wanted a family. Maya didn't.

But he would take what he could get. He always did. His little girl was his world and well, he loved Maya, but he could let her go. ‘One can live without a leg, but not without a heart.’

She started to play with the waistband of his underwear, shoving it down a bit, exposing half of his member and giving it a peck on the head.

“Get down here, girl. You’re gonna be the one singing tonight.” He grabbed her hair and yanked her head back, not too hard, not too light. He flipped them over.

Life flipped his marriage over and screwed him two months later.

***

‘She was right, though. She never got old’. The bitterness inside him stabbed his gut. He stared at the broken eggshells then at the eggs in the pan. He had been beating the eggs for a while now, completely lost in his mind.

‘I want to help that kid’. Joel absentmindedly increased the pace of his hand tending to the eggs in the firing pan, keeping up with the rising anxiety in his chest. ‘I know what it’s like to have a broken dream, after all’.

“Morning, Dad." Sarah's voice brought him back from his reverie with a steady pull. “Jeez, what did those eggs do to you?” she added, after noticing the furious pace of his hand. “Think of the chickens that had to pull them out of their asses, be gen—" 

An egg flew from the pan, landing on the floor, right in front of a very sleepy Ellie who had just come out from the warmth of her covers.

“Am I supposed to eat this, or...?” she asked, rubbing her eyes slowly.

‘Shit’.

“Don't worry, I got this,” Sarah said, crouching to clean up the mess. “By the way, Uncle Tommy asked me to tell you that he's got the jobs covered for the week so that you can spend lots of time with your favourite daughter. And also rest your foot."

“Hey now, I don't want him to—"

“Chill. It's just a week, and you haven't had a decent vacation in years,” she said. “Also, he asked you to call him, and we need to have a decent rehearsal. I’ll book a few hours at the studio for us tomorrow, okay? But today you two” — she pointed at him and Ellie — “will have the whole day to yourselves, to bond and become buddies, because I have something that I need to deal with on my own."

Ellie's eyes almost popped out of her face.

‘Great, I'll spent my week off babysitting this girl’, he thought, half-pissed, half-tired. Sure, the girl was nice, but the idea of spending a whole day with someone he barely knew sucked.

“I'm gonna call Tommy then," he said, grasping his phone and walking towards the porch. “Go ahead and eat, don't wait for me." He closed the door behind him.

***

The morning breeze was comforting, in spite of the hard truths his brother was speaking over the phone.

‘Smooth as a horse kick.’

“Joel, give it a shot." Tommy was pissed and tired, there was no hiding it. “I’ve always respected your space and these crazy ass periods of yours, but you are only going downhill. Rose was into you for real and you looked disgusted.”

‘Her name is Rose’ he thought to himself, remembering the shitshows he'd been part of. He knew it hadn't been a one time thing for her, she made sure to give him her number and got his as well. ‘She is a nice woman who didn't deserve to be treated like that’. His brother's voice was a distant echo, framing the spiralling line of guilt of his thoughts. ‘Maybe I should just be the asshole I usually am and leave her be, she can do better than me. She deserves better. They all do’

Joel caught up to his brother, lecturing him over the phone.

“When was the last time you've honestly been with someone? When was the last time you went out with your friends? Do you even have friends anymore? You are losing it man. Get a fucking grip. Sarah needs you to sing. What's the big deal? You may want to wreck your life, but hers has nothing to do with it.”

“Just give me some time. I'll get this right.” He sighed. He knew it wasn't true, he'd had ten years and the only thing that improved was his alcohol tolerance. There was no fixing him, that's for sure. Everytime he attempted to sing, even in the shower, it felt like he'd swallowed a brick.

“You know who could help them, right? Sarah and Ellie I mean. I know you don't want to see him ever again, but you gotta do it for them.” Tommy said, sounding almost guilty.

“Oh hell no, now you've gone too far. I ain't talking to him, not a chance. I haven't talked to him since the divorce,” he answered, his voice nothing but a deadly whisper.

“Listen to me. Sarah may be a great producer but she is still on her early days. She could use the help, and you know that.” His tone was almost threatening which made Joel feel both angry and ashamed. He wouldn't see the end of this anytime soon and it was due to this poor excuse of a human being he'd become. “Grow the fuck up and do your best to make up for the self-destructive asshole you’ve been through all these years. Do you think she doesn't notice? Sarah is worried, Joel. She fears she might get home to find you dead, having choked on your own vomit or something. She doesn't deserve to lose another parent.” 

Tommy's words stole from him whatever snarky comeback he might have considered. It hurt, and Tommy knew it. Half of him was outraged at Tommy for thinking so little of his self-loathing capacity. ‘As if I didn't know all that shit you just dumped on my head’. The other half was outraged at himself; old habits die hard. He was being the only thing he didn't want to be, a burden to his baby girl.

Tommy sighed and continued, his voice heavy with feeling.

“I'll cover your jobs this week, and maybe even the next, gladly, but you have to make it worth it. Call. Him. I will not stand for this anymore."

“Now you listen to me, you little shit. I don't need a fucking babysitter—" Joel gathered whatever was left of his dignity and tried to build some barriers, only to be interrupted by his own little brother.

“Shut the fuck up. This ain't about you, it's about your daughter. Quit being a selfish prick. If you don't call him, I'll do it myself.”

He hung up and left Joel with a ringing sound in his ears.

***

The front door closed as Sarah left, but the weight of the world seemed to seep in through the cracks. He and Ellie were alone and he didn't have the best social skills available. Talking would be hard. He remembered their hug. It was an honest-to-god hug, and it felt nice and sincere. He truly cared about her. She seemed to be a nice kid who'd had it rough for god knows how long, just like himself. 

‘I gotta learn how to speak broken, because that's probably gonna be our common language, girl.’

He sat on the couch, nervous and self-conscious. She had been staring at the floor for a good while now, a tired look on her face. ‘She clearly didn’t sleep well last night’. Her clothes were somewhat rugged, worn out at several points even. He wondered if she would like to go shopping, but Sarah was the one better suited for that job, and offering to take her might sound offensive.

“Hey," he finally said, clearing his throat. “Do you want to work on those songs now or would you rather wait for Sarah to come back?”

No answer, except the blank expression that refused to leave her face.

“Ellie," he tried again, placing a hand on her shoulder and shaking it slightly. She quickly raised her eyes to meet his.

“Oh, hey. Sorry, did you say something?” she said, shifting on her seat.

“I asked you if you wanted to work on the songs. Are you okay?” he asked, his brows furrowing in concern. 

“Yeah, sure, I just spaced out for a bit. We can work on the songs if you want to.” Her voice seemed far away, like she was deeply lost in thought. Joel wondered about what kept her up at night, and what kept her clammed up like an oyster. 

‘What happened to the easy-going girl from last night? Do I need to bribe her with cigarettes to make her stop brooding like this? Why do I even care this much?’

“Hey, there’s no need to hide if you’re not feeling well. We can do something else. After all, those are your songs. This decision is not up to me." He smiled a bit, trying to wipe the sadness from her face. 

“I'm cool, just tired” she said, rubbing her eyes. “Can we take a walk? I don't want to work on the songs today, to be honest.”

“Yeah, sure. I'm gonna get the car keys. I'm not in the best shape to walk, with my foot and all" he answered, rising from the couch and cracking his back. “Where do you wanna go?” 

“Take me to your favourite place around here.” She smiled briefly, but wide enough to make the light climb back up to her eyes, much to his relief. 

“Okay then.”

She got up from her seat and walked towards the door, waiting for him to approach.

“Lead the way, Mr. Miller," the girl said, smiling at him sweetly.

“Yes, ma'am.”

***

They had been sitting on the grass for a good while now, silently. Not a word said, ever since they had left the house. ‘Awkward as hell if you ask me’

“I knew it," Ellie half-whispered, half-grumbled to herself. 

“Excuse me?” he asked turning his head to her. They had been silent ever since she got into the car, even out here, although that may have been due to the astonishing shades of orange that the sunset had spilled all over the sky. 

He took them to a small cliff by the edge of the town, high enough to see where the earth and the sky met, high enough to see everyone going on with their lives as usual. Coming here used to be a habit of his a long time ago, a habit he lost to his working hours that only seemed to get longer. But this place still felt like jumping off a train and watching it run its course. 

‘This was the only place I could think of.’

“I knew you weren't going to take me to somewhere in the city, like a cafe or something like that.” She answered, nonchalantly. “Not a people person, are you?”

“Not at all," he answered, caressing the grass beneath his fingers.

“Why?” she asked.

“I don't know how to deal with them anymore. Probably never knew.” He sighed, grabbing a bottle of water from his backpack lying between them “You don't seem to be the most talkative person in the world, either. Can’t blame you, though. If I were in your shoes right now, in the middle of nowhere with an old man I met yesterday, I sure wouldn't be babbling.” 

“Dude, I'll be staying at your house for god knows how long. If you wanted hurt me or whatever, you wouldn't bother to bring me here." She scoffed and stretched her legs on the grass, supporting her weight on her elbows and staring at the sky. Relief flooded his chest, and Joel allowed himself to enjoy the sound of singing crickets carried by the wind.

“Anyway, I'm sorry for making this even more awkward than it has to be," he said, looking down and studying the marks his boots left on the grass. 

“I like it here. Can't deny that view," she said simply. She sat up straight to look him in the eye. “And I get why you're doing this."

“Do you?” He was taken aback a bit by the sudden serious tone she had chosen.

“You feel guilty for not singing, and you’re trying to make up for something,” she said bluntly, the sunset light making her eyes shine brighter in a way that made him feel more than uncomfortable.

‘She is smart. I'll give her that.’

“Got that right," he answered, trying to muffle the sting her words caused him.

“What are you trying to make up for? Is it something to do with Sarah’s mom? She had said something along those—”

“I don’t want to talk about it," he interrupted her. “Maybe we should go back”

Joel got back on his feet. It had been too much. He was okay with his own mind torturing him with all this shit, but talking about would only make everything more real.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry,” she said. “I was just going to tell you to let it go, whatever it is. It clearly still hurts.”

“You have no idea of what you’re talking about. I don't even know how we got to this conversation. I don't even know you to begin with.” He was angry, and it showed.

“Then let's keep it that way," she said, her face stone cold. She turned her back to him and started off down the road.

“Ellie, get in the—" 

“I'll walk. Have fun on the way back.”

***

He stayed there for a few more minutes, or maybe hours — he didn't know and didn't care. At least he didn't care about it right now. There were more pressing matters at hand. He ran his thumb over the phone. Just dial the fucking numbers and call him. He had sought courage at the bottom of a bottle again, but it didn't seem to be working.

It was way past midnight, and Ellie hadn't come back yet. He had looked for her in every corner in town in vain. She didn't want to be found and she wouldn't be. I got the message pretty clear. Every possible situation in which she might end up crossed his mind, each of them at least twice. If anything happened to her, it would be one more item to add to his self-loathing list. Joel was great at keeping his mouth shut, except in the moments he actually needed to do so. 

He had to fix it. If she had something concrete to offer her, she would come back. But he needed to call that motherfucker. Tommy was right. If anyone could make whatever Sarah and Ellie wanted work, it was him. 

'Fuck it'

He dialed the numbers and waited, watching his own fingers to make sure they wouldn't fall off after what he'd just done. 

“Hello?” The same old and forever-cranky voice from his worst nightmares answered the phone.

Great, I'm drunk, and I’m talking to the one living soul I hate the most, way to go.

“Hey, it's Joel. I need your help."

“Now this is fucking unbelievable, you—" his former father-in-law answered, but Joel didn’t hear the rest. He was interrupted by a red-haired girl falling through the front door, puking her guts out onto his carpet.


End file.
